Ange? No, he has no clue.
I can't wait to see his face.
WOMAN: I know. Okay, we're in the other room.
I'm gonna bring everybody in in just a minute.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Okay, I have to go. Thank you.
- Okay, bye. - Okay, bye.
[Footsteps]
MAN: Happy birthday, bro.
Huh? Check it out.
MAN #2: Yeah, wow. Thanks, man.
MAN #1: Hey, it's too bad Amy couldn't be here, right?
Hey, are you gonna make it official with her soon?
MAN #2: What?
MAN #1: Come on, old man. Seven years is a long time.
MAN #2: No. [Chuckles]
I mean, at this point,
I feel like Amy's more just like a friend.
- You know, like a bro. - Yeah.
MAN #2: I don't know. Something just changed.
Like, I'm just done. You ever feel like you're just done?
MAN #1: Yeah, is it because of all the weight she gained?
MAN #2: No.
I mean, she's definitely put on some pounds,
but that's not even it.
MAN #1: Yeah. Is it the long distance?
MAN #2: [Exhales sharply] No.
Long distance is the only reason
we're still together now.
MAN #1: [Laughing] Yeah.
MAN #2: Oh, man. It just... Something turned, you know?
It's just everything about her makes me sick.
Just like, "Shut up." I can't take it.
- ANGIE: Come in, everybody. - MAN #2: Hey, Angie.
- MAN #3: What's this? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
- ANGIE: Get ready, okay? Ready? - MAN #2: What is it?
ANGIE: One, two, three!
ALL: ♪ Happy Birth... ♪
Amy?
What are you doing here? When did you get back from Iraq?
This isn't working for me.
I-I think we should see other people.
I met somebody else.
And so I made the decision,
I don't want to see you anymore.
And this was over.
I paid for this. I'm bringing it.
WOMAN: No.
Step away from it!
I'm having somebody come back and get this.
Thank you for your service.
Ripped By mstoll
Nothing has changed. I still dress like shit.
They just, like, squeezed me in this right before I came on.
I usually wear American Apparel.
I like to be draped in sweatpants.
Don't you guys feel that way?
I love American Apparel. I really do.
I like the models and the marketing.
I like that every shot of them, it looks like a shot
of the last time they were ever seen, just...
[Laughter]
"Help."
It looks like they're waiting for Liam Neeson
in the bottom of a closet, like...
It's like hostage lighting. What is the idea?
Like, "Oh, if I buy these leggings,
will they also find my body in a swamp?"
Like, why?
So let me get this straight.
It's a road made of ice, and they truck on it.
Bull's-eye. That's the show, plain and simple.
You twinks ready to do some shots, pussies?
[Chuckles] That's so hot. I love girls like that.
Tequila, no training wheels.
Burger, rare as fuck.
Oh, yeah, a chick who can really hang with the guys.
Yeah, man. That is the best.
A chick who's like super hot,
but then, like, loves Xbox, down for pizza.
That tomboy thing, you know?
Like, man, I knew this girl, Joey.
That's a hot name right there.
That is a hot name.
Yeah, yeah, she was off-the-charts hot.
She could, like, beat me in arm wrestling, you know?
That's like my college girlfriend.
She was crazy hot.
She could recite all of "Boondock Saints" verbatim
while building a deck.
She was ripped.
Murder him! God!
You know, I dated a chick like that.
She was like model hot,
plus she knew everything about World War II,
and she had a super strong jaw.
- Just, like, a lantern jaw. - Mmm.
Love that tomboy thing.
Yeah, you know what? She reminds me of my ex.
You know, real solid. I could climb her like a tree.
She made me feel so safe.
I miss her.
Oh, man, there's this chick at my office right now.
I can talk to her about Muay Thai.
Plus, she's got just like a little bit of stubble.
- Ahh! - I need to hit that, man.
Yeah, you do.
That's the dream, right? That's the fantasy.
Like in "Rambo."
The main chick in that, with the headband.
Hot, right?
Yeah, no, man, but there are real chicks like that.
Like, I knew this girl Sam when I lived in Tampa.
She was just naturally hot. Like, rough hands, thick neck.
Forehead like a granite counter.
She worked hanging drywall for her dad's company,
Murphy and Son.
- Yeah, she did. - Wow.
Ooh, check it out.
- Ohh... - [Whimpering]
Dude, she...
My boner just got a boner.
My buddy at Goldman has this girlfriend, Glen.
She's like cover-of-"Maxim" hot.
She does all of his fantasy football picks.
And she has, like, this prominent dick.
I'm like, "I want!"
- That's so fucking hot. - That is so fucking hot.
To chicks who can hang.
- Chicks who can hang. - Oh, yeah. Yes.
Heading to the can. Got to make some room.
- Ohh... - Ahh...
Wait, should we just fuck each other?
What is your type?
I like, um, a great sense of humor
and, like, some wit and some intelligence.
I don't know. I like girls who read books.
I'm out.
Some intelligence and things like that.
- Would you have sex with me? - Um...
- Yeah. - Oh, thank you.
What is your type?
I don't have a type, but I tend to end up with blondes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, my God, that's so weird.
I know, it is weird, isn't it?
What's your type?
Tall, skater, douche bag.
Hey, do you have a skateboard?
- MAN: No. - [Laughing]
Keep it moving, pal.
What kind of guy do you like?
Gay.
[Laughs]
They all turn out to be gay.
What cheer, m'ladies.
I return with libations as promised.
- Thanks, Liam. - Hey, text me later.
I've been saving up some things
I've been meaning to tell you all day.
- Is that your boyfriend? - Fuck you. No.
Liam's from Hello M'lady. Com.
Is that a dating site?
No, it's an app for your smartphone
that helps you manage
those clingy, fragile guys who think they're dating you.
Wait, are they stalkers?
God, no. Stalkers have balls.
Hello M'ladys just make you feel guilty.
They do that thing where they put you on a pedestal
and they dote on you,
even though you've never expressed any interest.
But why would I want to sign up for that?
Just think of it like Turbo Tax.
No one wants to do taxes,
but it is nice to have help with that inevitable chore.
Hmm.
Hello M'lady notifies you of the whereabouts
of m'ladys in your area.
The app alerts you when you've been selected
by one of these human hobbits.
You'll receive Cliffs Notes versions
of his thesis-length e-mails
listing the things he sees in you that no one else sees.
This sad-eyed weasel helped my boyfriend move into my place.
This doughy munchkin flat out gave me an iPhone.
He said he had a hook-up,
but I'm pretty sure he just paid for it.
- [Cellphone chimes] - It's a text from Liam.
"I wish I kissed you just now."
[Cellphone chimes]
Oh, gross! I was just chosen.
I don't want to lead this guy on,
but I don't want to hurt his feelings either.
Oh, you can't win.
But the app does send you a warning text
when he's about to angrily turn on you.
- [Cellphone chimes] - Warning, m'lady!
Can we talk outside, please?
I think you owe me that much.
It's fine.
He's just gonna call me ungrateful
and then ask if he can hold my hand.
Ugh.
It seems you've been abandoned,
and I just want to say, hello, m'lady.
Oh.
Hello, m'lady.
Fuck it. Hey.
Did you ever have a girl who thought she was your girlfriend
and she totally wasn't?
Um, no, but I've been that way on accident.
You thought a girl was your girlfriend?
- Yeah. - What happened?
Well, I thought we were dating for like four months,
and then she cheated on me.
Well, did she? If you weren't...
No, apparently not. So it was fine.
- She just kind of met somebody. - Uh-huh.
You're a sweetheart.
[Up-tempo orchestral music plays]
Aged Angus Banger with cheese
and a crispy McDalmond chicken wrap.
- Fries in the hole. - Number five.
More toys. We need more toys for the Giggle Meals.
What the hell do you mean
they want apple slices in the Giggle Meals?
Corporate wants to offer a healthy option.
- A healthy option? - Yes, a healthy option.
Well, silly me, I thought we stood for something around here.
No, beef dunk sales, down.
Giggle Meal sales, down.
Fries, Coke, Sprite...
Let me guess... down?
Look, I don't like it any more than you do.
But let's play by their rules this time
till we get the ball back.
Jasmine dropped a burger patty under the soft-serve machine.
Well, fish it out and reheat it.
What is this, half-past amateur hour?
Wrong side of the bed this morning, J. J?
I sleep on a futon.
I've been using the same Brita for three years.
My roommate is a bassist.
You tell corporate I'm not putting apple slices on my menu.
What's next? No more chicken beaks in the Everything?
Now, you want to tell me why you been acting so strange?
This is my first day back, and I'm nervous around you.
You look good, J.J.
Look, I wrote to you.
The letters came back. Where have you been?
I worked my way up to being a GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.
Then one day I'm stuffing couscous into a calzone
and I realized a woman's life is worth nothing
unless she's making a great man greater.
Let's get one thing straight...
No, let's get two things straight.
You and me make a good team, and you know it.
And if just for one second
you could drop this whole damaged-goods routine,
we could make this work.
Now I'm not asking that you finger-bang me
in the back of my Tercel like it's 1997.
I'm just asking for a chance to make a difference.
That's three things.
That's what you said in my Tercel.
Guys? You better take a look at this.
[Suspenseful music plays]
We got a school bus out there.
It's the short kind.
I need Dora the Explorer figurines ready yesterday.
Throw two in some of the bags. They'll think it's Christmas.
McCaskell, defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.
No, hold on, McCaskell. You won't need to do that.
They're just gonna want Giggle Meals and apple slices.
Don't tell me what they want.
There's a Dominican flag on that dashboard.
This is Angus Bangers
and family-size curlies all the way home.
I know this order. We do this my way, you understand?
- We lost picture. - Well, pull it up.
Fix the goddamn feed.
Here comes the order.
We're gonna have to fly blind on this one.
Ugh!
Jesus, J.J.
MAN: Uh, give me, uh, 18 Giggle Meals
or whatever's cheapest.
I got $30.
Do you want fries or apple slices?
Whatever's fastest.
I'm sorry.
[Beeps]
Yes, J.J., apple slices.
That's the post-9/11 world we live in now.
Unless you change the dialogue.
If anyone can do it, you can.
Or doesn't that J.J. Work here anymore?
Good afternoon, sir, I'm the manager here.
One of the managers.
I'm afraid we're not gonna be able
to give you apple slices today.
Yeah, whatever. No one cares.
You know, there was a time in this country when apples
were for feeding horses.
When McDalmond's was more than just a parking lot
where people met to buy Ritalin.
People weren't obese.
They were just fat.
And if you wanted an apple...
...you'd have to eat a pie.
That's why I'm not gonna give you what you ordered.
No, today, I'm gonna give you 3,800 calories
of the greatest goddamn country in the world.
[Garbled speech]
Pull ahead.
WOMAN: J. J?
Someone emptied their butt in the women's bathroom.
Hand me my mop.
Ugh! There is a lot of shit in here.
[Indistinct speaking on television]
Is the Internet working for you?
Mm...
Let me see.
No.
Give me my phone. I'll call.
Uh, maybe it's better if I call.
No, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not gonna freak out.
I'm in like a really good place.
You sure?
Oh, my God. It's a phone call. Like, relax.
[Woman singing in native language]
You got this, girl.
[Line ringing]
WOMAN'S VOICE: Please listen carefully,
as our menu has changed.
For English, please press 1.
English.
Are you currently a Time Warner Cable customer?
Yes.
Do you want help with your account?
Yes.
Did you say you want to add a landline?
Representative.
All of our representatives are busy.
Please hold for the next available representative.
[Muzak playing]
MAN: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable.
This is Janardan. May I have your account number, please?
Okay, it's 1-6-1-9...
Please hold while I look up the first half
of your account number.
Oh. Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.
- [Beeps] - Please don't leave me. Hello?
[Muzak playing]
Gah, you're fine.
Come on, God.
[Muzak stops, dial tone]
Hello? Janardan? Janardan!
No, fuck no! Shit ass! Fuck my whole ass! Fuck!
Janardan!
F-F-F-F-F-F-Fuck!
[Wind howling]
English.
Representative.
Person! Human person!
[Whimpering]
Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable.
This is Janardan. May I...
1-6-1-9-6-3-4.
I need your account number, please.
Janardan, just be real right now, man.
Be real!
Ma'am, let me transfer you to our transfer department.
- What? - Please hold for...
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, Janardan!
Janardan! Fuck!
Fuck. Fuck.
[Voice breaking] I mean, I was gonna go back to school,
but, like, for what?
Like, for what?
We're all going to the same place anyway.
[Sniffles]
All we have are our relationships.
Like, that's all we have in this world.
That's who we are.
JANARDAN: We'll need the serial number
of the first modem you ever owned.
Fuck you, Janardan!
[Sobbing] Fuck you.
And what was the nickname
your mother gave you when you were seven?
I know you're probably, like, a really good guy.
It's not your fault. You're probably like...
You have interests,
and maybe you have, like, a family
or, like, a cat or something, but, like, fuck you.
[Sobbing]
Like, why are you doing this to us, Janardan?!
[Sobbing]
[The Cranberries' "Linger" playing]
♪ But I'm in so deep ♪
♪ You know I'm such a fool for you ♪
♪ You got me wrapped around your finger, ah ha ha ♪
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
♪ Do you have to... Do you have to ♪
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
♪ Oh, I thought the world of you ♪
♪ I thought nothing could go wrong ♪
♪ But I was wrong ♪
♪ I was wrong ♪
♪ If you ♪
♪ If you could get by ♪
♪ Trying not to lie ♪
I love you, Janardan.
I love you too, Mrs. "Skumer."
♪ Things wouldn't be so confused ♪
Do it.
♪ And I wouldn't feel so used ♪
[Gunshot]
[Beeping]
Oh, the router just needed to be restarted.
Cool.
WOMAN: Yeah, okay, well, I'm about, you know, 5'3".
I'm really petite, and, um, I have long, long blond hair,
and I have bright blue eyes
and pouty mouth that's perfect for sucking.
I don't know if that did it for you. I'm just...
This is all doing it for me.
So, Jennifer, you were a phone-sex operator.
Yes, I was.
Were you nervous your first couple calls?
Yes. You know, I'd been around the block enough.
Like, I've had enough sex to know what...
I'm not stranger to a cock, but still...
What was the most typical fantasy that a guy would want?
A lot of people wanted, like, the girlfriend experience.
What does that mean?
Someone to actually, like, talk to them
as if they're in a relationship.
So would you just, like, complain
and be, like, mad at them?
My character, actually,
she was like a college coed sex kitten.
Now, they had picked her for me. Like, I didn't have...
Oh, they assigned you a character.
They assigned me somebody based on my voice.
Samantha. That was my character.
Samantha was somebody before she was you.
Yes, whoever was working her before,
I guess they quit, got fired, who knows?
- So I had to come in. - Murdered. Let's hope not.
I just remember one call I got.
He wanted me to be like five different people.
He's like, "We're at a pool party
and we're hanging out with friends,
and then you and I are gonna go
into the laundry room and have sex."
And I said to him, "Why don't we just go
and start in the laundry room?"
He's like, "Well, no, we have to talk to people."
- There's a location change? - Yes!
Is this "Prairie Home Companion"?
Like, why is he making you do this?
At one point, I had to be, like, the person...
Like, "Hey, does anybody need drinks?
I'm going to the kitchen."
And then I'm like, "Yeah, well, I can get something," you know?
[Laughing]
And I also had props. Now, that's a huge thing.
Oh, yeah. What, to make noise and stuff?
Yes, I had a book and a spatula.
You just bang that, you know,
kind of sounds like ass slapping.
- It does? - Yeah, just a little bit.
And grapefruit or an orange.
I'd cut it in half, squeeze it up to the phone.
Just kind if, you know, if you can imagine.
- I can. - It works. Put it that way.
Is there anything that you said no to?
One person was asking me to be like a Girl Scout
and sell Girl Scout cookies.
But those are good cookies.
Yeah, they're very good cookies.
- They're almost the best. - And you get gifts too.
- You do? You can get gifts? - Yes.
A lot of them want you to sell your panties
or sell something personal.
That's a big no-no.
Oh. I was like, "Sure!"
So I thought about it.
I'm gonna auction off these Spanx for a blood diamond.
Can you teach me how to have phone sex?
Well, the first... You just have to be comfortable, okay?
Okay.
So I'd say, "Um, hey, okay,
so I've got on some stockings right now
with a garter belt.
And I've got on some really, really tiny pink panties.
And it's a thong in the back.
And, um, I want you to come over and take it off."
Wow.
- That's what they would hear. - Guys?
Do you talk a lot of shit now when you have sex?
Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes.
What's your record for the shortest call?
Shortest call, I was proud of myself.
They bought a ten, and I did it in three.
- Thank you. - Yes, thank you.
I got stopped by TMZ the other day.
- [Cheers and applause] - Thank you.
Oh, stop!
I think they thought I was Paula Deen, but still.
[Laughter]
Because we have the same politics or whatever.
I was psyched.
I know if TMZ stops you, you're supposed to be like,
"I'm busy! How dare you?!"
But I was like, "What's up? What's going on? I got time.
What's up?"
[Laughter]
And then he asked me, like, a slut question
'cause I'm the it girl for that, and, uh...
And he was like... He asked me about a product called Instead.
You've never heard of it, right? I'd never heard of it.
It is a product for women. You buy it at the drug store.
So you put it in so you can have sex when you have your period
and not even tell the guy.
- [Woman gasps] - I know! I was like, "Ew!"
Right? I am super old-school with that stuff.
I just do the whole, like,
"oops, I must've just gotten it" thing, you know?
[Laughter]
"Oh, no."
Or I'll pretend like I was a virgin.
I'm like, "Are you mad? It hurt." Just...
Where's the can? Gonna empty out my bowels.
[Laughter]
I sleep on a futon.
I've been using the same Brita for three years.
My roommate is a bassist.
Don't tell me I'm not fucking putting cook...
and fuck, fuck, suck, fuck, goddamn motherfucker!
Don't look at him when he gets like this.
CHARLES: Ugh! Sorry.
Ripped By mstoll